these // other things/

i am never anyone’s first choice. I will never be anyone’s first choice. I’ve come to accept that. And if you can’t understand why I want to press my soft cheeks against the warm metal bells in that beautiful cathedral, then try to. I don’t know of any other place I’d feel so at home. A place so ancient, and full of dust. To push those bells and feel so much sound, so much ringing. To be the ugly nobody hidden away while everybody enjoys the beauty you create. I try not to lose my head. I don’t understand people. I try to. All I want is to understand. It is the same story every time. I am background noise while I’m here, a body and acceptably cute enough face to keep the loneliness at bay, and it’s not until I’m gone, when the laughter fades out, and your friends mention something funny I said/did, masking their disappointment that I’m gone… when you date the next girl who is somewhat more attractive but lacking personality…. that I mean anything to anyone. It’s never until then. While I’m here, I’m nothing but a someone. A daft, naive puppy gushing with affection for you that you believe will never run out. I am always here, I am always available. So why should you try? It’s all so easy. It was always so easy. You are so dumb. I feel so sorry for people who have yet to understand that love does not have a face. You’re not a grown up. And you don’t understand what love is.